The Blues

This week has been so depressing for me. I just feel like I am losing everything, even myself. My son who is 14 went to the shore over the memorial day weekend. He says,"he forgot to call me and let me know he got there ok". I was hurt over that cause, I felt like he forgot about me and I had to track him down at the beach house they were staying at. I guess mom is the back burner now. I missed him. Sure I wanted him to have fun with his friend, but I wanted to also a count for something. I ask him to bring his brother back a sweatshirt or something, but he didn't do that either. I guess we don't matter to much any more. I love him so much, I can't bare to lose him. His brother is almost 11 and he loves him as well. He misses my older son all the time. I just think that it's a teenage thing right now. He has a girlfriend which is alittle scary. He's taking her to their 8th grade social dance. I have to take him out for dress clothes. This will be a picture I need to blow up. He never in his life been dressed up. I want to see this, but at the same time I just want him to stay himself. The boy I know and love is just perfect for me. I am afraid of him leaving me one day. I've been a single mom for a long time, and but my life on the line for him so much that I live through him in away and I am afraid to live on my own. I really don't know how to live without my kids. That's all I've known is that we will always be the three muskateers and we will always be there for eachother. We need to protect eachother from this crazy world they call life. I would die for my kids. They are not replaceable in any way. Also, my Birthday is tommorrow and I am upset about getting a year older. I hate it. I keep thinking about the world ending in 2012. I know I can't do anything about it if it does happen but, it's a little scary for me. I still need to learn to live not die. Then, finally a very big lost to me is my bestfriend Tina. Her Birthday is 5 days after mine and she is passed away. That really sucks. She was so young. I miss her a great deal. I will visit her grave this up coming week. It's so hard to do. I hope she is resting in peace, she desires that. She has went through so much hell in her short life. So, as you read this blog it's all about a sence of loss, the story of my life. I pray for better days ahead.