It's That Time Again!!

Bed Time!!! Yah Hoooo...... My favorite time of day. Each night I am so tired, that I pass out before I even hit my pillow. Being a mom all day takes too much out of me. I am beat. I feel like road kill, and the worse part is I have to get up and do it all over again tommorrow. I neverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr get a break. When are these kids going to grow up and take care of me? NOT!!!! Who wants to hang out with an old lady???? Even though I took care of them, I don't see it happening for me. Well, I guess I will just grow old alone. Who Knows?? Moms deserve a pay check every week, that sound fair to me. We do so much that we don't find much time for ourselves. Being a mom just drains the life out of me. I love my boys, but there are moments that I just want to run away and never come back. It's easier to take care of me than everyones needs & wants. I ask myself what about me?? Well, at least when I go to bed I can shut the brain off and have a little me time. Morning comes to fast and I don't feel like getting up. I want to break the alarm clock. WHY ME??? I am still tired, but I have to get up and be the mom with a happy face. O'God please rescue me!!! I am pray for a moms day in heaven. Just think ALL you moms, we will finally have a break. Yah Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooo. I am going to bed. When you go to sleep at night just think of all the me time in heaven. Bless you all.

Holidays

The Holidays make me depressed because our family is so spread out that,no one ever has a picnic anymore or any kind of a get together. It's sad,but it's just another way of how life keeps changing and giving us challenges to face everyday. So much has happened with our family over the years,that some of us don't even talk any more.Families fall a part at times,where everyone goes their own way.I guess that's how we grow. Even my 14yr. old son will be away for the weekend at the shore with a friend and his family. My 10yr old almost 11,will be playing in a babseball tournment all weekend. Well, for me I get quite time. That can be nice and alos lonly. My friend is a real dud. He never wants to go anywhere with me except if it's something that benefits him. It stinks. I would like to have a partner or friend to do things with at times.I think about getting a puppy that will love me and cuddle with me.The boys are just to old now for mom to cuddle with them. It's just not cool at all. That stinks!!!
O'well,at least I have the lord to count on.He's always with me.I am so thankful for that. I will read my:


Bible
Blog
Journal
Do word search puzzles
Go shopping
Who knows what else.....................................

The biggest thing will be fighting with my boyfriend.
Sounds like fun ................haha

The biggest challenge will be to make my younger son happy. If he's not happy look out. It will feel like the longest holiday weekend in history. He gives me a run for my money!! and takes it all too.

I pray for jesus to guide through each day.I trust his word and I know I will be ok.I also pray that they go fast in away,cause next week is my birthday and I don't like it at all. I really don't like getting older.How can I stop this?
I can't so just move on with life. I hope you all have a great holiday no-matter what you do.

God Bless

Being a Pregant Teen

Well, that was me many years ago. I am finally, telling the world my story. At 15yrs. old I found out I was pregant. It was very confusing to understand at the time how I really felt. In a way I was happy and I wanted this baby. I loved the guy who got me pregant and I thought he loved me to. He asked me to marry him before we even knew I was pregant. I also, felt really scared to tell my parents, so I went to my aunt and told her first, she said,"that my parents should know about this right away". She went with me to tell my parents that I was pregant. Of course it was a real shocker and my mom cried. My dad wasn't too nice about it. So, my mom made a gyn appointment to make sure the pee test was correct. Indeed it was. I go see the Dr. and he conformed to my parents that I was pregant. He said,"that if I tried to carry this baby there would be a good chance of me losing the baby or even I could die". He also, stated that my ovaries were not developed yet. At the time I did not know that ovaries don't carry babies until I was older. I truely believe that this was a plan between my parents and the Dr. too tell me that I had to have an abortion. Here I had no chance since I was underage. I remember signing a paper to have this abortion done, however in my mind I did not want it. No one wanted to hear me out, that I wanted to have this baby. I called my boyfriend and told him I was pregant. He did not believe me.
Then, I tried to talk with his sister who also had a teenage pregancy and she kept her baby. She called me a lier, as well as his mother. There was no support from either side. Just get rid of the baby was all I heard. Don't tell anyone it's a secret and my parents felt shame. I am their daughter who they brought into this world and I am human. They should of loved me no matter what. They didn't even try to find a way to help me to keep this baby. Like getting another Dr.'s advice. So, the abortion was set up for August 1, 1986. That baby was four months old and I killed my own baby. I don't know why they waited so long for the abortion to take place. The Dr. knew how far along I was. He didn't seem to care. The baby would of been born In Febuary 1987. When these dates come around it's so hard for me to deal with. The day of the abortion was done in a professional hospital. I remember cry and saying NO don't do this to my baby. I had a nurse on each side of me saying,"it's okay everything will be over soon". Well, it's been over 20yrs. and it's still not over. The nurses held my hands and kept talking to me as the Dr. used a sucction hose up inside of me to suck the baby right out of me. The baby landed in a bucket with blood and fluids. The Dr. asked me if I wanted to know the sex of the baby. I don't remember what I said, but he told me it was a girl. He also said,"that it wasn't so bad now, it's over". Maybe for him, cause he got paid to do the aboration, but it has had such an impact on my life that I can't believe I am still here. I laid bleeding and cramping and crying on my hospital bed. I was awake the whole time. My boyfriend broke up with me and I went on with life as nothing happened. I needed therapy, but my parents said,"give her time, she will be alright". I thought all these years myfriend just didn't believe me. Just recently I found him on facebook. We talked alot and then, we meet up the next day. He told me that he did know and he will always love me.We will always be connected. He told me he was sorry, and he wishes that he had support from his family, cause he was only 16yrs old. He was so scared and he comes from an abusive family. He ran away. The whole family just uped and left the area. No one knew where or why. I am so relieved now that he did really know and I don't have to suffer alone anymore. He killed the baby as much as I did. No chose. It is very sad to me and effects all qualities of my life. I got married and divorced,I had two boys too different guys,an eating disorder I still fight,anxiety and panic attacks,I live in alot of fear and trust no one. However, I love my boys but, they will never replace my first baby. OCD and alot of controlling habits make me feel empty. I will have this lose for the rest of my days. I go to therapy,I have help from my one sons BSC, but most of all I have Jesus. I know he has forgiven me. I went to lots and lots of meeting to help me deal with the pain. I have three different journals I write in everyday. My faith is what gets me threw the day and to be as good of a mom as I can for my children. I know my boys love me. To have a relationship is really hard for me. Sex is an issue,trust and everything that comes along with it. A commitment not only to that person , but to myself as well. I don't feel like I make good choices in life. So, this is my story and I pray for other teens and moms who go threw abortions. It may not affect you right away, but it will creep back someday. I understand fully about being a scared teen/mom, but if I could go back in time I would have that baby no matter what. Life is all about chances. My life lies in god's hands. I pray for all of you, and wish you the best. Please let me know what you think of my story.

Teenage Pregnacy

Cleaning Out.

On Saturday, I started my day with my usual bowl of Special K. As I was eating I thought about how I wanted to go shopping. Instead on the advice of my therapist, I did not and cleaned out all my clothes and shoes.  It was overwhelming,..
I lost alot of weight in the last year and most of my clothes were too big. I eat special k cause it tastes good and helps you stay on track with your weight. I shop way too much and I really needed to donate clothes and shoes. I feel it really helps you feel good about giving to people in need. I did feel empty inside when I saw all those clothes and shoes go out the door. I normally keep everything. I feel as though I just don't have a enough and I feel afraid. I want to go shopping now and try to replace my lost, but it will never bring back the other clothes.

shopping

I Married A Monster

What every little girl dreams of to marry her prince charming. I couldn't wait for this day to come. I knew what king of a dress I wanted and I would be so beautiful. My dad would give me away in a big beautiful church. I knew the minister since, I was little, that would marry me someday. Well, my fairy tale of a wedding didn't go so well. I married a monster and that's a nice word for him. He had all the say in the planning of the wedding. I thought that being married was a partnership,well not in this case. He was an army sargent. If you didn't do want he wanted he would abuse me:

Sexually
Mentally
Physically

See I told you he's a monster.

Anyhow, I didn't get the dress I wanted, no church wedding, no honeymoon ect....................
How disappointing is that?
All my life I waited for this day and it failed. I was so unhappy.
The next day I got up and said to myself, "what did I do" I want a divorce.
That was not what he wanted. I tried to stick with it for awile but, it just got worse.
Now, I can't trust anyone or feel any emotions for another partner. I don't want to be alone but, I couldn't live through the abuse.
I know everyone is different but, it really left me with a hardened heart. I am so afraid.
If, jesus wants a new relationship for me it will come, if not it wasn't meant to be.
No one deserves to be abused in anyway. I didn't believe in divorced , cause I didn't want to fail god or myself. All my life I picked the wrong person. I don't know what is wrong with me. I pray that someday it will all work out. My soul bleeds for true love from a good guy. I guest time will tell.
I don't want to leave this world, knowing I was never loved. My heart breaks.
My relationships go with the song "the rose". I love roses. I listen to that song I just cry like a baby.
It's so me. I go to therapy for many things that I challege everyday. I pray for a godly man.

Do you think I made the right choice?
How are your marriages or relationships?
Would you do it all over  again?
Please send me your opinions.

Food Shopping

It was that day of the week again. Yuk, how much different kinds of foods can you make? I get so tired of everyone wanting to eat something different at dinner time. They eat what is made or starve. I go too at least two different stores to save money. I use as many coupons as I can and only by things that are on sale. Probably, I am not saving money by using gas to go to other stores. O'well I try. I make a list before I go shopping using the sale flyer as a guide. Somehow I still come home with more and it wasn't on the list. It takes me about 3hrs to go shopping and return home. The real fun is putting it all away. If, your like me I am out of room in my freezer, but I had to buy it. Now, I am fustrated trying to get the food put away. I gather I am one crazy woman. I think to myself, "I am not feeding an army" who needs so much food? I just feel better when I am stocked up. I am OCD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've been all my life. Just another thing in life to deal with. I will be 80yrs old and still in therapy.

How much do you food shop?
Do you go to different stores hoping to save money?
All comments welcome........................

A Moms Day

It's a new day with the same stuff to do.

Clean the house
Wash dishes
Make dinner
Wash clothes
Run errands
Make appointments
Return calls
on an on.........................................................................

No wonder I am so tired just thinking about it. I have to nap at least 2-3hrs. per day, just to turn off my brain. I need that little me time. When the boys come home look out:

Whats for dinner?
I need help with homework
Can you study with me?
Do I practice tonight or have a game?
Mom did you see my shirt anywhere?
Clothes get thrown on the floor
on an on.......................................................................

I think to myself, " this is what a mom has to do all the time" I quit!! I don't get paid for this job so I am leaving and never coming back. I am on strike. Having to do all this work and all I get is gref.

Boys are fighting
They don't listen
On the x-box to much
Never unplug anything
on an on.....................................................................

When is my time coming with a major break? Moms need to be rewared. We need to feel special not used by our families. We do have feelings even if were just girls. I try to go shopping, cause it makes me feel good. I like to look nice and to keep up with todays styles. I know my youth days are gone, but I look young and I am young at heart. When I put something new on it feels good. When I run out of new clothes I need to get more. It's my outer shield. It gets me noticed and that how I get the attention I need. However, people don't know what's really on the outside cause I don't show it. I look  to nice to have any eternal issues. That's what I want people to think. The reality is that when I take the shield off I am still in the same postion that I started from. I looked good but, I still sad and depressed. I need something that will last, not just another pretty face but, a long lasting success to be proud of. This mom stuff is not cutting it for me. I love my boys, but they're growing up and I need to let them. It's one of our challeges we face when our babies grow up and don't need us as much. I want them to have their own life, just as I should have one too. I need to keep focused and work on something succeeful that I can do and feel important about it. I am not just another woman or a mom, I have purpose and meaning too. It's time to put some mom stuff on hold and make a new memory that will last a life time.

A Test Of Faith

Today was an okay day I guess. I've been moody,depressed and stressed out for at least two weeks. I don't like being like this,however I feel like I just can't get out of it. Is this just a women or a mom thing? I do not know. I read my bible and journal everyday. At times that seems like enough,but other times I feel so low with myself that I start to loose my faith. That is the last thing I want to do. Without my faith in Jesus, I am nobody. I know he's in control, however I still find a way to fight against him. What am I doing? I know it's impossible, I will never win. This is gods kingdom not mine. I must leave everything to jesus. I do trust jesus and I do know that he's always with me. I am thankful for that. I just need to stay focused on what is really important in life. To top off the day, I was out looking for metals, this man was throwing out a box of glassware, he said,"take the whole box" so I did and in the box I found a key chain of a wooden cross. That was really cool. I felt my faith again. I believe that was jesus telling me he's always there. Don't ever give up!! I knew jesus never left me, I just had to let him back in my heart. That was a real test of faith for me.

Do you believe in a higher power?
How do you deal with your life?

Feel Like Crying

I had a really bad night. I ran into some teenagers in a car that threw a water balloon into my car window and it busted inside the car, leaving me drenched. The balloon hit my neck and that really hurt. I said, to myself (what did I do to deserve that) I felt like my faith was leaving me. I went out with the hopes of making some money and I somehow for whatever the reason was their target. KIDS!!! If my boys would of did something like that I probably would have a really big fine to pay. WHY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so angry that I called best buy about my bill and started freaking out on the lady on the other end of the phone, who probably thought another crazy mother. I am a time bomb. I just keep exploding at everyone. I guest moms need to vent at times, but I usually vent all the time. I need to run away, but for some reason they would still find me. You can run but, you can't hide. That's the truth.....I feel like poop.I can't deal with life anymore or is that I can't deal with myself. I am so in the dumps. Where did my faith go?

How would you feel being hit by a balloon for NO reason?
Would your children get away with it?
How would you feel?
Am I over reacting?


HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let's Get Started!

I hope you were able to get some information about who I am and why I am creating this blog!

I had a wonderful weekend!  Generally I start my week feeling very overwhelmed, and exhausted.
But this weekend, I went to a Mom's Retreat.  This is something that I have been going to for five years.
It is an event that is set up for Mom's who need a break!  We all get pampered, get to relax and get away for a night!
We connect and share things about our lives with the women there.
We are all so different with different experiences and challenges but we all are alike in many ways as well.
It helps to make you feel that you are not alone.
We show our strength and faith through each other.
We take it home with us which helps us realize that our lives are not so bad after all.!

I love going to this yearly event even if it is only for one night, I helps me get through the next year.  It is something that I look forward to as I can share my experiences with the women, and realize we all have some kind of challenege that we face every day.

We cry,
We eat.
We share.
We laugh.
We make crafts.
We come home feeling appreciated and loved, bring these feelings back to our kids.

BUT the most important thing that we all take with us is our love for our higher power!  Without a higher power we are no one.

QUESTIONS:
I know I am just starting out.. I may not have anyone respond, but I am putting these questions out there to see if anyone else has been going through similar things and connect!

How was your weekend and how did you connect to your higher power?
How do you feel supported and loved?