Well, that was me many years ago. I am finally, telling the world my story. At 15yrs. old I found out I was pregant. It was very confusing to understand at the time how I really felt. In a way I was happy and I wanted this baby. I loved the guy who got me pregant and I thought he loved me to. He asked me to marry him before we even knew I was pregant. I also, felt really scared to tell my parents, so I went to my aunt and told her first, she said,"that my parents should know about this right away". She went with me to tell my parents that I was pregant. Of course it was a real shocker and my mom cried. My dad wasn't too nice about it. So, my mom made a gyn appointment to make sure the pee test was correct. Indeed it was. I go see the Dr. and he conformed to my parents that I was pregant. He said,"that if I tried to carry this baby there would be a good chance of me losing the baby or even I could die". He also, stated that my ovaries were not developed yet. At the time I did not know that ovaries don't carry babies until I was older. I truely believe that this was a plan between my parents and the Dr. too tell me that I had to have an abortion. Here I had no chance since I was underage. I remember signing a paper to have this abortion done, however in my mind I did not want it. No one wanted to hear me out, that I wanted to have this baby. I called my boyfriend and told him I was pregant. He did not believe me.
Then, I tried to talk with his sister who also had a teenage pregancy and she kept her baby. She called me a lier, as well as his mother. There was no support from either side. Just get rid of the baby was all I heard. Don't tell anyone it's a secret and my parents felt shame. I am their daughter who they brought into this world and I am human. They should of loved me no matter what. They didn't even try to find a way to help me to keep this baby. Like getting another Dr.'s advice. So, the abortion was set up for August 1, 1986. That baby was four months old and I killed my own baby. I don't know why they waited so long for the abortion to take place. The Dr. knew how far along I was. He didn't seem to care. The baby would of been born In Febuary 1987. When these dates come around it's so hard for me to deal with. The day of the abortion was done in a professional hospital. I remember cry and saying NO don't do this to my baby. I had a nurse on each side of me saying,"it's okay everything will be over soon". Well, it's been over 20yrs. and it's still not over. The nurses held my hands and kept talking to me as the Dr. used a sucction hose up inside of me to suck the baby right out of me. The baby landed in a bucket with blood and fluids. The Dr. asked me if I wanted to know the sex of the baby. I don't remember what I said, but he told me it was a girl. He also said,"that it wasn't so bad now, it's over". Maybe for him, cause he got paid to do the aboration, but it has had such an impact on my life that I can't believe I am still here. I laid bleeding and cramping and crying on my hospital bed. I was awake the whole time. My boyfriend broke up with me and I went on with life as nothing happened. I needed therapy, but my parents said,"give her time, she will be alright". I thought all these years myfriend just didn't believe me. Just recently I found him on facebook. We talked alot and then, we meet up the next day. He told me that he did know and he will always love me.We will always be connected. He told me he was sorry, and he wishes that he had support from his family, cause he was only 16yrs old. He was so scared and he comes from an abusive family. He ran away. The whole family just uped and left the area. No one knew where or why. I am so relieved now that he did really know and I don't have to suffer alone anymore. He killed the baby as much as I did. No chose. It is very sad to me and effects all qualities of my life. I got married and divorced,I had two boys too different guys,an eating disorder I still fight,anxiety and panic attacks,I live in alot of fear and trust no one. However, I love my boys but, they will never replace my first baby. OCD and alot of controlling habits make me feel empty. I will have this lose for the rest of my days. I go to therapy,I have help from my one sons BSC, but most of all I have Jesus. I know he has forgiven me. I went to lots and lots of meeting to help me deal with the pain. I have three different journals I write in everyday. My faith is what gets me threw the day and to be as good of a mom as I can for my children. I know my boys love me. To have a relationship is really hard for me. Sex is an issue,trust and everything that comes along with it. A commitment not only to that person , but to myself as well. I don't feel like I make good choices in life. So, this is my story and I pray for other teens and moms who go threw abortions. It may not affect you right away, but it will creep back someday. I understand fully about being a scared teen/mom, but if I could go back in time I would have that baby no matter what. Life is all about chances. My life lies in god's hands. I pray for all of you, and wish you the best. Please let me know what you think of my story.
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